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Archive for January, 2010

Right now, I’m just waiting to hear about the results from my follow-up test for my elevated DHEAS levels. I’m also waiting to get my period so I can schedule the rest of my blood work and my HSG. I’m not a patient person, so I’m pretty much going crazy.

Tomorrow I’m having lunch with a former neighbor who is a few years older than I am. She had a miscarriage right around Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to talking to someone who knows what I’m going through to some extent. We used to be fairly good friends when we were younger, but we haven’t really socialized much in many years. I’m a little nervous that it’s going to be awkward. I also don’t want to scare her. She’s had one miscarriage and I’ve had three. I don’t want her to think that it’s going to happen to her again just because it happened to me. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

I’ve been feeling more pessimistic and less hopeful lately, but I think that’s because I’m in my luteal phase and I have PMS. I just want to get past all of the tests and start trying again. I want to be pregnant and stay pregnant! I’m also just waiting to hear from my sister-in-law that she’s pregnant. I know that they’re trying and she got pregnant immediately with her first. I’m just dreading the day that I find out she got pregnant before me…again.

I did some research on PCOS today at Barnes and Noble. Apparently part of PCOS is insulin-resistance. That means that I should be following a diabetic’s diet like the low glycemic index diet. I’m so not looking forward to that, but I don’t want to end up with Type 2 Diabetes or Gestational Diabetes or anything like that later on. I need to lose weight, which is difficult for girls with PCOS, of course! I’m going to start going to the gym again and I’ll start eating better. It’s worth it to me to change my lifestyle if it means I can get pregnant and have a baby.

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Some results

Our doctor has a phone system thing where each patient basically has their own voicemail type thing. The nurses leave messages about your test results and other things on it. We called today just to see how it works and we had a message. Some of my blood work had come back. My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is normal so I don’t have a thyroid issue. My DHEAS (an adrenal gland hormone) is elevated which is a sign of PCOS. The elevated DHEAS and the ultrasound showing small cysts on my ovaries makes me think that I must have PCOS. I think my treatment will still be Clomid.

Oddly, I think I’m about to ovulate and I’m only on day 13 of my cycle! This is crazy! I may actually have a 28 day cycle like “normal” girls. My cycles have been slowly getting shorter ever since about June. Maybe my body is actually regulating itself. I’m not sure what the doctor is going to say if I actually ovulate on day 14!

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What not to say…

After my first miscarriage and my subsequent fertility problems, I had a lot of different reactions from people. Here are some of the worst…

After being told about my miscarriage:

“Well, better luck next time.” – I know he was trying to give me hope and would never try to say something mean, but this was just awful.

“This is just a small bump in the road of life.” – Again with meaning well, but SMALL?! You’ve got to be kidding me! He has a living baby, so he has no idea.

“Oh ok.” – This was actually said by a stranger. I hope she just didn’t hear me right.

“Everything happens for a reason.” – I swear everyone says this at some point.

“I’m so sorry. But, my husband and I are still going to start trying for our second next week.” – This was my sister-in-law. I knew they were going to be trying. I didn’t expect that they would put their life on hold for us. I didn’t need the slap in the face.

“I had a miscarriage too, but I think I felt differently about it than you do.” – Someone who had an unwanted pregnancy end in miscarriage. They were relieved.

Some things that people said while I was trying to get pregnant again:

“Just relax.” – When someone says this it makes me want to stab them in the eye. It’s easy to say this when you’re not going through the same thing.

“At least you get to have all the fun unprotected sex time. I got pregnant the first time so we didn’t get the fun sex time.” – I’m sorry, but after a while it’s not fun anymore! It’s stressful and sometimes tiring.

“You know, my friend got pregnant right away just like me!” – Honestly, I don’t want to hear about anyone getting pregnant, let alone someone who gets pregnant immediately.

“You should just have sex every day!” – My cycles are 40 days long! I don’t want to have sex every single day! It’s already not that fun anymore.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of at the moment. I might have another post like this if I remember anything else or if someone says something new. So, basically if you know someone who has had a miscarriage or is experiencing infertility, don’t say this crap! We don’t want to hear it, especially since you’re probably not the first one to say it.

*Just to clarify. A lot of these things were said by well-meaning family members. I love them all and I know they weren’t trying to be hurtful.

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And now we wait…

I went to the RE today and I feel a bit better about everything. I printed out and brought my charts from the last 6 cycles. She actually knew about charting and encouraged it. She thinks that my main problem is that I’m ovulating too late. The lining of my uterus is getting too old for an egg to implant by the time I actually ovulate. She thinks I will just need Clomid to get me to ovulate earlier, but she still wants to do a bunch of tests. I had SIXTEEN vials of blood drawn today for the many blood tests she wants to do! Plus, I have to have more tests done on the 2nd or 3rd day of my next cycle and they have to be fasting. Also, I need an HSG test done next cycle. I’m frustrated that I have to wait for two cycles before we can start trying again, but at least we’ll know what’s going on.

During my pelvic exam and ultrasound today, she said that she thinks my HSG will be normal. She said she didn’t see anything abnormal on the ultrasound. Although, she did say that I might have mild PCOS. I have suspected for a while now that I might have PCOS based on my irregular cycles and inability to lose weight. I’m nervous about the HSG. My OB told me that it will cause cramping and possibly more pain if there’s some kind of blockage in my tubes.

So, at this point, all I can do is wait until my next cycle begins. It’s actually kind of a relief that I can just relax for a cycle. I’ve been feeling much better about everything and sex has become fun again! We’re having sex when we want to, not just for making a baby. I would actually recommend that if someone is having fertility issues and is feeling stressed about it, they should take a cycle off and use condoms. It sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes you just need a break from the baby-making.

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Woohoo!

I got a call from the RE’s office today. They had a cancellation and offered to move my appointment up to this Wednesday! I’m so happy! That saves me a three week wait. I’m a bit nervous about what they’re going to do, but I’m excited to find out what’s wrong. I hope it’s something that’s easily fixed, obviously.

Yesterday I decided to knit a blanket in honor of my losses. I got the idea from a group on Ravelry that makes blankets for couples who have suffered losses. It involves knitting pretty squares and sewing them all together. I started the first one today. It has an angel on it. I’m still trying to figure out which colors to use for all the squares. So far I have white and yellow. I’m thinking about doing pink and blue also.

I will definitely update again after my appointment on Wednesday.

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My name is Katie and I have had three miscarriages. This makes me an habitual aborter according to my doctor. According to me it makes me angry, depressed, jaded, hopeless, broken and useless. This blog is where I will write about my experiences, feelings, thoughts and anything else I feel like related to my journey to conceiving. Take a look at my “About” page for more information about me and my experiences so far. I will list the acronyms and definitions of some of the more technical (well really medical) words that I use on the “Definitions and Abbreviations” page. Sometimes this blog will sound depressing and sometimes it will be funny depending on my mood. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this.

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