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Archive for April, 2010

I did it!

I did the Ovidrel injection all by myself! I’m so proud of myself! I feel like this is the one thing I have control over in this messed up journey. I’m glad I did it. It didn’t even hurt when I put the needle in. Pushing the medicine in hurt a tiny bit, but I think it’s because I was pushing the needle further in. It’s hard to keep your hand completely still when you’re trying to push the plunger. Now, we just need to have “relations” (the doctor’s word, LOL) for the next three days!

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This week (April 24th – May 1st) is National Infertility Awareness Week. This is my “What IF?” post for Project IF.

What IF despite my ultimate success I never let go of the resentment at and jealousy of the women who got to do this the “normal” way and who never experienced pregnancy loss?

I hate every single pregnant woman I see. I know that it’s “wrong” and that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I hate that they are pregnant and I’m not. I hate that they didn’t have to go through three losses, but I did. Now, obviously, I’m just guessing that they didn’t have any losses because I don’t necessarily know them, but that’s what goes on in my head. I hate every woman who gets pregnant on the first try and never has any problems. She can just go through her pregnancy deliriously and obliviously happy.

Now, I don’t want anyone thinking that I wish every pregnant woman would have a miscarriage. That’s not what I’m saying AT ALL. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. No one should have to experience the loss of a child, even if the child wasn’t even born yet. I would never want someone to go through what I’ve been through. I just wish that I hadn’t had to go through it either.

Sometimes my jealousy is blinding. Right after my most recent loss, I found out that a former “friend,” who ended up being a total bitch to me and continued to harass me for 5 years, is pregnant. I was being dumb and searched for her on Facebook. Of course, her profile picture was of her belly. I was so upset. I bawled for two days. And the kicker? She’s married to my ex-boyfriend. It’s very weird and upsetting to find out that your ex-boyfriend (who is a year and a half younger) will be a father before your husband.  Why can two horrible people, who made my life a living hell for years, have a baby, but I can’t?! I just don’t understand.

I’m incredibly jealous that my sister-in-law was able to get pregnant with her daughter the first time she and her husband tried. She was significantly older than I am at the time too. She also complained that they didn’t get to have “all of the fun unprotected sex time.” Believe me, sex isn’t that fun anymore when you’re only doing it because you’re trying to have a baby. Especially when you’re both stressed about actually conceiving and then staying pregnant. Definitely makes sex less fun. Why couldn’t I get pregnant on the first try and go on to have a beautiful, healthy baby? It’s just not fair. I would have happily given up the “fun sex time” we’ve had.

I’m jealous that I will never again have the overwhelming feeling of pure joy untainted by the fear of miscarriage when I get pregnant again. I will always have that fear in the back of my mind. I have a feeling that it won’t go away until the baby is born. I feel that I’ve been robbed of the pregnancy experience that I wanted. I realize that some women will never experience pregnancy at all, and I definitely feel for them. But, I can’t help but selfishly feel that I will never just say to myself, “Yay! I’m pregnant! Let’s decorate the nursery!” right after finding out that I’m pregnant. I want to be naive and oblivious. I don’t want to worry every minute that I will lose my baby. I want to be NORMAL!

I hate my body for being broken. Sometimes I tell my husband that my body is a baby killer. He doesn’t like it when I say that, but sometimes it’s how I feel. I feel betrayed by my own body. Why can’t it keep a baby alive? Why can someone like Casey Anthony, a woman who killed her perfect little girl, successfully carry a child, but I can’t? Why? WHY?!

I feel all of these things, but I also think about how everything I’ve been through will make me appreciate my child more. Sometimes I think that it should be a much harder and longer process to have a child so that only the people who really want a baby will have one. I’m tired of hearing people say that they accidentally got pregnant, and they never really wanted kids. It’s just way too easy to get pregnant (at least for other people). We would have a lot less unwanted children in the world if it was much more difficult to conceive.

What if, because of everything I’ve been through, I’m a better mother than I otherwise would have been? What if I appreciate and love my child even more than I would have because of the losses I’ve been through? What if I can share my experiences with just one other person and help her to feel better about her own situation?

For more information about infertility visit the Resolve website. To read more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) read about it here. Go to Project IF if you would like to learn more about why I wrote this post.

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OMG! YAY!

We have a green light! I do the Ovidrel shot tomorrow! I had another follicle scan this morning and my follicle had grown to about 16mm. They also checked my estradiol, which came back at 193. They said that based on those two things, we can go ahead with the cycle. I have to do the Ovidrel (HCG) shot tomorrow between 6PM and 8PM. We then have “relations” every night for three days. I have an appointment on Wednesday May 5th at 8AM for a progesterone check. If it’s too low, they want me to use the progesterone suppositories (vaginal). I can then use a home pregnancy test on Wednesday May 12th.

I am so freaking excited!

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I had my follow-up ultrasound this morning at 8:30am. The only follicle that is really doing anything has grown to 13mm from 10mm. It only grew 3mm in 5 days! I’m so disheartened. They want me to come back for ANOTHER ultrasound on Wednesday. My lining is doing well at 7.3mm, so that’s good I guess. The only reason that we’re continuing the cycle is because my estradiol (E2) was 90, which means it doubled in 5 days. I guess that’s a good sign, so they still have hope. I’m hoping that my follicles are just a little slow. Maybe I still have a chance this cycle. I’m expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

I’m just going to keep hoping and praying…

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More waiting!!

The doctor’s office called me yesterday with my results and instructions. My estrogen level is at 47. They said that it’s normal for the size of my follicles. My doctor wants me to go back on Sunday for another ultrasound. The appointment is at 8:30 in the morning on Sunday. So much for sleeping in!

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I just got back from my follicle check ultrasound. My lining looks good. It’s measuring at 6.9mm and they want it to be 7mm, so it’s right about there. I have three follicles forming, but only one is getting close to the size they want. It’s measuring at 10mm and they would like it to be around 18mm. I have to wait a few days and have another ultrasound. They’re hoping that the follicle will continue to grow over those few days. They also took some blood to test my estrogen level. After the blood results are back and the doctor looks over everything, they will call me and let me know what I need to do.

I’m not happy, but I’m not upset. I was hoping for some great news, but instead I got basically no news. Oh well. I will update again when I find out what’s going on. I have to wait around the house all day today because my Ovidrel is being delivered…hopefully.

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I finished my Femara yesterday. I’m ready for my ultrasound, but I have to wait until Tuesday. I had some crazy ovary pain on Thursday, which I’m hoping is just from my ovaries making eggs and not from ovulation. It would kind of suck if I ovulated before I even had my cycle day 11 ultrasound. I guess we’ll find out on Tuesday!

I have been having the worst time trying to get my Ovidrel. My doctor sent the prescription to a mail-order type pharmacy because it’s what they always use and it’s cheaper than most other pharmacies. I was OK with it because I knew my insurance would cover most of it. I was only going to need to pay $25. Well, I decided to call the pharmacy to find out what was going on and they told me that my insurance didn’t cover it, but they were sending it anyway. Apparently if you want them to call you if your insurance isn’t going to cover the medication, you have to specifically tell them to. They don’t even ask. So, my husband called the insurance company and apparently Ovidrel is a specialty medication that has to be ordered from a specialty pharmacy. There are only 2 that our insurance works with. So I had the first pharmacy cancel the order and I called the covered pharmacy. I went through a ton of back and forth with that pharmacy also, but I’m finally going to get my Ovidrel and it’s only costing me the $25. I’m happy. Of course, it’s getting here on Tuesday, which is possibly the day I will need it. Talk about last minute!

I hope my ultrasound goes well on Tuesday. I will update afterward. Tomorrow we’re meeting the in-laws for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I’m pretty excited!

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