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Feeling pretty good

My first beta (HCG blood test) came back at 53.3. I’m pretty happy with that number. According to The Betabase, it’s right around average. I have my next draw tomorrow at 10am. They usually call me sometime after 2pm to give me the results. I’m very nervous. I’m just praying and praying that the number doubles!

They also tested my progesterone, and it’s at 19 now. It was at 12 a week ago! Apparently the suppositories are doing their job.

I’ve still been feeling hungry and nauseated at the same time, and I get heartburn pretty much every day. I definitely don’t mind the symptoms though!

OMG!

Well, I forgot to post about my blood work results. My progesterone was a little low, so my RE told me to start progesterone vaginal suppositories. They aren’t fun, but they’re really not that bad.

My RE told me to test on Wednesday (tomorrow), but of course I’m impatient so I tested today. It was freaking POSITIVE!!! I’m so excited! I’m nervous of course, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. I had some spotting on Thursday May 6th, so I’m guessing it was implantation spotting! I’ve been feeling hungry all the time and occasional nausea. I’ve also been really tired. I’m going to test again tomorrow and then call the RE. I really hope this is my sticky baby!

According to the due date calculator I used (I told it that I ovulated the day after my trigger) my estimated due date is January 21, 2011! July 9th will be the 12 week mark.

Not much to report

I have an appointment with the RE for blood work on Wednesday at 8am. They are going to check my progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. I will be so pissed if I didn’t because I know I ovulate on my own. I’m a little confused though because my breasts aren’t sore like they usually are after I ovulate. I’m hoping it’s just the HCG messing with my body.

I was on the Trying to Conceive After a Loss board on thebump.com last night and came across a quote that made me cry. Here it is:

“Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?” -Unknown

I was bawling after I read that. I even started crying again when I told my mom about it today. There are a lot of quotes about miscarriage that make me cry. I guess it makes sense. I think the HCG is making me emotional too. Anyway, I’ll update after I get the results from my blood work.

I did it!

I did the Ovidrel injection all by myself! I’m so proud of myself! I feel like this is the one thing I have control over in this messed up journey. I’m glad I did it. It didn’t even hurt when I put the needle in. Pushing the medicine in hurt a tiny bit, but I think it’s because I was pushing the needle further in. It’s hard to keep your hand completely still when you’re trying to push the plunger. Now, we just need to have “relations” (the doctor’s word, LOL) for the next three days!

This week (April 24th – May 1st) is National Infertility Awareness Week. This is my “What IF?” post for Project IF.

What IF despite my ultimate success I never let go of the resentment at and jealousy of the women who got to do this the “normal” way and who never experienced pregnancy loss?

I hate every single pregnant woman I see. I know that it’s “wrong” and that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I hate that they are pregnant and I’m not. I hate that they didn’t have to go through three losses, but I did. Now, obviously, I’m just guessing that they didn’t have any losses because I don’t necessarily know them, but that’s what goes on in my head. I hate every woman who gets pregnant on the first try and never has any problems. She can just go through her pregnancy deliriously and obliviously happy.

Now, I don’t want anyone thinking that I wish every pregnant woman would have a miscarriage. That’s not what I’m saying AT ALL. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. No one should have to experience the loss of a child, even if the child wasn’t even born yet. I would never want someone to go through what I’ve been through. I just wish that I hadn’t had to go through it either.

Sometimes my jealousy is blinding. Right after my most recent loss, I found out that a former “friend,” who ended up being a total bitch to me and continued to harass me for 5 years, is pregnant. I was being dumb and searched for her on Facebook. Of course, her profile picture was of her belly. I was so upset. I bawled for two days. And the kicker? She’s married to my ex-boyfriend. It’s very weird and upsetting to find out that your ex-boyfriend (who is a year and a half younger) will be a father before your husband.  Why can two horrible people, who made my life a living hell for years, have a baby, but I can’t?! I just don’t understand.

I’m incredibly jealous that my sister-in-law was able to get pregnant with her daughter the first time she and her husband tried. She was significantly older than I am at the time too. She also complained that they didn’t get to have “all of the fun unprotected sex time.” Believe me, sex isn’t that fun anymore when you’re only doing it because you’re trying to have a baby. Especially when you’re both stressed about actually conceiving and then staying pregnant. Definitely makes sex less fun. Why couldn’t I get pregnant on the first try and go on to have a beautiful, healthy baby? It’s just not fair. I would have happily given up the “fun sex time” we’ve had.

I’m jealous that I will never again have the overwhelming feeling of pure joy untainted by the fear of miscarriage when I get pregnant again. I will always have that fear in the back of my mind. I have a feeling that it won’t go away until the baby is born. I feel that I’ve been robbed of the pregnancy experience that I wanted. I realize that some women will never experience pregnancy at all, and I definitely feel for them. But, I can’t help but selfishly feel that I will never just say to myself, “Yay! I’m pregnant! Let’s decorate the nursery!” right after finding out that I’m pregnant. I want to be naive and oblivious. I don’t want to worry every minute that I will lose my baby. I want to be NORMAL!

I hate my body for being broken. Sometimes I tell my husband that my body is a baby killer. He doesn’t like it when I say that, but sometimes it’s how I feel. I feel betrayed by my own body. Why can’t it keep a baby alive? Why can someone like Casey Anthony, a woman who killed her perfect little girl, successfully carry a child, but I can’t? Why? WHY?!

I feel all of these things, but I also think about how everything I’ve been through will make me appreciate my child more. Sometimes I think that it should be a much harder and longer process to have a child so that only the people who really want a baby will have one. I’m tired of hearing people say that they accidentally got pregnant, and they never really wanted kids. It’s just way too easy to get pregnant (at least for other people). We would have a lot less unwanted children in the world if it was much more difficult to conceive.

What if, because of everything I’ve been through, I’m a better mother than I otherwise would have been? What if I appreciate and love my child even more than I would have because of the losses I’ve been through? What if I can share my experiences with just one other person and help her to feel better about her own situation?

For more information about infertility visit the Resolve website. To read more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) read about it here. Go to Project IF if you would like to learn more about why I wrote this post.

OMG! YAY!

We have a green light! I do the Ovidrel shot tomorrow! I had another follicle scan this morning and my follicle had grown to about 16mm. They also checked my estradiol, which came back at 193. They said that based on those two things, we can go ahead with the cycle. I have to do the Ovidrel (HCG) shot tomorrow between 6PM and 8PM. We then have “relations” every night for three days. I have an appointment on Wednesday May 5th at 8AM for a progesterone check. If it’s too low, they want me to use the progesterone suppositories (vaginal). I can then use a home pregnancy test on Wednesday May 12th.

I am so freaking excited!

I had my follow-up ultrasound this morning at 8:30am. The only follicle that is really doing anything has grown to 13mm from 10mm. It only grew 3mm in 5 days! I’m so disheartened. They want me to come back for ANOTHER ultrasound on Wednesday. My lining is doing well at 7.3mm, so that’s good I guess. The only reason that we’re continuing the cycle is because my estradiol (E2) was 90, which means it doubled in 5 days. I guess that’s a good sign, so they still have hope. I’m hoping that my follicles are just a little slow. Maybe I still have a chance this cycle. I’m expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

I’m just going to keep hoping and praying…